The Hilarious World of Macbeth
by Wood Phoenix
Summary: A collection of ridiculous things said by my co-stars on and off the stage in our production of Macbeth.
1. General Macbeth Hilarity

My friend Gwen is studying to be a film director. A little while ago she got a chance to co-direct a stage production of Shakespeare's _Macbeth_, so she went for it. Then she asked my friend Jake and I to try out. I got the part of Banquo, the third-lead who gets killed onstage and comes back as a ghost, and Jake got the part of the Third Murderer, then when the Porter got sick, he filled in and had both roles. It's been a total blast meeting and working with all these other weird people. It's so fun! Anyway, here are some funny, strange, and interesting things they've said on and off the stage.  
  
  
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow  
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day  
To the last syllable of recorded time.  
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools  
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.  
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player  
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,  
And then is heard no more. It is a tale  
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,  
Signifying nothing."  
-Steven, as Macbeth (This is my favorite soliloquy of all of Shakespeare. It kicks ass has has an awesome meaning. Steve does it perfect too! Go Steve-O!)  
  
  
"Ohmygod, they killed Duncan!" -Chris, as Macduff, who forgot his line in the scene when he was found Duncan's body.  
  
  
"This damned damned damned play repeats everything everything everything three times!" -Cristen (Lady Macbeth)  
  
  
Oh I'm sorry! My fault. My bracelet got stuck on the vines here when I was trying to grope Wood. -Janelle (First Witch), when she missed her one of her lines   
  
  
Between you and me, Banquo, you're gonna die at the hands of nameless murderers, you'll come back with lots of makeup to haunt Macbeth, and your son will run away to become king! That okay with you? -Janelle, when someone missed a line and we just goofed the rest of the scene.  
  
  
Wood's pissing me off, can we kill him today? -Rob (Second Murderer)  
  
  
Dude! I got promoted!  
  
Yeah! Last week I was third murderer, and now I'm the Porter!  
What's better- guarding the gates of hell or killing me?  
Tough decision. I'll just have to settle for both. -Jake and I, when he had to be the other Porter's understudy.  
  
  
How do I look?  
Like a pussy. Me?  
-Chris (Macduff) and Steve (Macbeth) at the costume fitting.  
  
  
Okay okay okay. I was thinking, the Porter's drunk and thinks he's guarding the gates of hell, right? Well what if I, you know, spiced it up a bit? *In his best grim reaper voice* I am the Porter from hell... fear me, Macduff! *Gwen rolls her eyes and walks away* Okay, maybe not... -Jake, trying feebly to milk his role for all it's worth. Give it up, dude! You're just a drunk Porter!  
  
  
Out damned spot! Out I say! Oh, shit! I think I got a splinter! -Christen (Lady Macbeth)  
  
  
Hey there! I'm Jake. Who do you play?  
I'm Owen. I got cast as Seyton.  
Satan?! I knew there was the goddess of witchcraft, but there's Satan too?! This play kicks ass!  
Uh, well, not exactly... oh never mind. -A demented Jake and a confused Owen.  
  
  
Thou liest, thou shag-eared villain!  
What, you egg!  
Hold on a sec, did he just call me an egg? -Twelve-year-old Gareth, as Macduff's son and Ken, the Murderer who had to put up with him.  
  
  
Hey, instead of killing Lady Macduff, can we rape her?  
No, you sick-minded fool!  
Sorry, I just came back from watching Clockwork Orange. I'm kinda still stuck in the movie. -Joe and Ken, the murderers who kill Macduff's family.  
  
  
Wood... Wood just doesn't look freaky enough... add some fake blood, and spike up his hair. And if that's too much, we'll just take pictures and laugh. -Evil, evil Dave, the director.  
  
  
Shakespeare had a thing with geese. People are always called geese! In Romeo and Juliet, they had the Mercutio far and wide a broad goose' thing, and they have geese in here too! What's with the damn geese? -Steven (Macbeth)  
  
  
I hate this damn costume.  
Come on now, think of it this way, what would Shakespeare think?  
He was gay, he'd probably think you were hot. -Chris (Macduff), Kerri the costume bitch, and me  
  
  
Exciting, exciting. The week of hell starts in two weeks, so we've been cramming lately. Should be pretty good though. Can't wait to get killed in front of my entire family. They'll just love that.  



	2. Macbeth Hilarity Continued

  
The continuation of Macbeth quotes! It's the week of hell (aka- performance week), so we've been working our asses off to get it perfect! (Especially since they moved up the performance a week... that really sucked). Anyway, here are some more funny things we've said along the way-  
  
  
Aren't the witches really supposed to have beards?  
Yeah, but we thought that'd be too weird, honestly.  
*breaks out into song* When I was two, what could I do, she had a beard and it felt weird, and they all laughed... oosta! -Janelle (First Witch), Gwen (Co-director), and Jake (and if you'd only really think that was funny if you've ever seen the Love My Lips song from VeggieTales)  
  
  
I make myself laugh! -Steven (Macbeth)  
  
  
Try or try not. There is no do... damn! I always get that one wrong! -Rob (Second Murderer)  
  
  
This whole accent thing is not working for me. I sound like John Cleese on crack. -Jimmy (Lennox), the American, who was told to try an accent  
  
  
Yeah, well mean people suck and nice people rule. The mean people know this and that's why they're mean to the nice people. -Jessica (Lady Macduff) to the Murderers when she couldn't remember her line  
  
  
I hate stupid little kids! They're so... stupid and little.  
You idiot! That's like saying you hate big dumb people because they're... big and dumb... oh never mind, just say your line! -Ken the Murderer, frustrated with Gareth (Macduff's son), and Jessie (Lady Macduff) trying feebly to make a point.  
  
  
Oh horror, horror, horror!  
Cut! No no no. You _need _to pronounce your _words_! It sounds like you're coming out of Duncan's room yelling, oh whore, whore, whore'! It's not like you're calling Lady Macbeth!  
*offstage* I heard that!  
No, if that were the case, I'd be yelling, oh she-male, she-male, she-male'! -Chris (Macduff), Dave (the director) and Cristen (Lady Macbeth).  
  
  
Ugh, Dave is being really evil today!  
No, he's only Satanic on Thursdays. -Carri (Second Witch) and Luke (Siward)  
  
  
Check it out! I'm mini-disco Hakeem! -Jake. Don't even go there, it's a really huge inside joke.  
  
  
Gilligan! The Skipper too! Mary-Anne... and his wife... oops. -Chris (Macduff) slaughtering the Gilligan's Island Theme.   
  
  
Wood, you are cutting your hair. Or I will fire you.  
You can't fire me! You have no replacements!  
(to everyone) Does anyone know any actors better than Wood?  
Hell, my cat can act better than him! -Gwen, trying to fire me, and Jake, making fun of me as usual.  
  
  
What the hell happened? I haven't seen this much blood on a stage since... Interview With The Vampire! -Gwen, after I had a very bad day getting all sliced up by sets and a particular witch's bracelet as she was groping me.  
  
  
You know you want me, Banquo. It's this sexy ensemble I'm wearing. -Steven (Macbeth)  
  
  
  
(Now for a special segment I like to call Conversations Over Break Started By Luke (Siward), the-kid-who-asks-too-many-questions-that-lead-to-other-things)  
  


Okay, if someone would pay you a hundred bucks to have sex on this stage right now, would you do it?  


-Janelle (First Witch)  
Ugh, no! -Cristen (Lady Macbeth)  
Why would _anyone _have sex on this stage?! -Jessica (Lady Macduff)  
Hell yeah! -Chris (Macduff)  
I live off a pack of Raman noodles a day... do you even need to ask? -Me (the sad, sad truth)  
In this costume...? -Steven (Macbeth)  
With who? You? -Jimmy (Lennox)  
Fork it over... I already did. -Jake (Third Murderer/ Porter)... don't even go there.  
  


  
The age-old debate... who's the Third Murderer?  


It was Malcolm. He was _supposed _to be in England, but what if he just wanted to kill off Banquo to make sure he would be king...? -Janelle (First Witch)  
Lady Macbeth! _I _kill Wood! Oh wait... she's in the banquet isn't she? Shit... -Cristen (Lady Macbeth)  
Uh... maybe it was a witch... or something... they're kinda masculine, right? -Jessica (Lady Macduff)  
It was Donalbain! It's _always _the quiet ones. -Chris (Macduff)  
Jake! Just kidding, just kidding. -Me  
I dunno... why do I associate with you people?! -Jimmy (Lennox)  
It was Banquo! Oh wait... -Jake (Third Murderer/ Porter)  
  
  
Also, we three lead guys (Chris-Macduff, Steven-Macbeth, and I) are having a friendly bet over which girl each of us will end up with the night of closing night of the play. (We're not American-Pie-pervs or anything... this seriously happens after almost every play!) I'm voting they'll get their and I'll get Janelle... we shall see. Bwahaha.  
  
  
And I leave you now with our wonderfully inspiring first-performance-feel-good-pep talk-   
Okay, you are all going to do the best you've ever done! You are not going to forget any lines, you will do it _exactly _as Shakespeare intended, and you won't mess up _anything_! There are scouts out there in the audience from some of the biggest Shakespeare troupes in London! For some of you, your careers are on the line! I want this, and Saturday and Sunday's performances, _perfect_! Any questions?  
*raises his hand* How are you today, Dave?  
Very good, thank you. -Dave (the director) and Chris (Macduff)  



End file.
